Jamie nodded. “I need to have a bit of time to think on my own.” He started for the exit of the bus. “I’ll see you at sound check.”
As soon as Jamie was a safe distance away from everyone, he let go of the tears he had been holding back. The first tears were angry, burning his eyes as they squeezed out and rolled down his cheeks. Still, they did nothing to relieve the intensity of what he was feeling on the inside. The pressure in his chest was like a volcano, building and bubbling until it threatened to crack him open from the inside out. A yell of outrage tore past the pain and out into the open as he ran as fast as he could to as far away as he could get. He reached forward with his stride in desperation, making them as long as he could as his lungs began to burn.
It wasn’t long before the tall, solid walls of the enclosed parking lot loomed in front of him, and his chase for freedom came to a stop. He slammed his body against the wall as he let out another cry. Right then the wall was not a source of protection, but a prison keeping him from escaping his past. He wanted to punch the wall, but knew better, so he smacked his open palm against it. He hit it hard, and his hand tingled painfully. The skin turned red and splotchy before his eyes, and his chest heaved to accommodate the rise and fall of his lungs as they begged for more air. He could hear himself as he struggled to catch his breath, blood rushing through his veins. The throbbing in his hand was still strong when another burst of anger hit him. He turned against the wall once more, crying out as he beat his hand against the unmoving barrier. There was a slap for Garret, another for Eddie, and one last one for Tommy.
His vision blurred as he leaned his forehead against the gritty surface of the wall, tears and sweat mixing. They ran down his face and neck and into the collar of his shirt. He felt the anger slowly shift and fade into the most horrible feeling of hopelessness he had ever experienced. His legs slowly lost their strength and took him to the ground, his fingers clawing at the wall as he fell. The asphalt caught him on his hands and knees as he slumped down, fresh tears welling up in his eyes. The drops tumbled down his lashes and onto the dusty parking lot as he stared at the ground.
“I ruined everything. I totally ruined it all.” The whisper was hoarse as he pushed his confession past the lump in his throat.
He turned to lean back against the wall. His trembling hands slowly moved to cover his face as giant sobs from the pit of his stomach welled up and shook his entire body. There was the anger, the regret, the loss, the loneliness, the hurt, the confusion…
He could still hear the breathless way Alyson had told him over the phone that she had finally decided that she wanted to see him again. He could still feel the tight grip of her arms as she wrapped them around his neck when they were reunited at the airport. Her smile had been so big when she ran towards him and threw herself into his strong arms.
That night she had grabbed onto his arm as they passed through a crowd of people. He turned to make sure she was okay, and she met his gaze with a shy smile pulling at her lips. He pulled her closer, keeping the distance between them small, as the look in her eyes told the room that she knew he wanted her beside him. And she was right; he did want her beside him. She was no longer a cute rebound girl who had caught his attention on the dance floor; she was the one who caught his secret whispers with her gentle touch and stood steady and fearless in the midst of the chaos that whirled around him. He had never felt so safe or understood by someone like he did with Alyson Abidi.
He caught her gazing up at him with eyes that spoke volumes on how much she trusted him. He looked away every time with a lump in his throat. What he felt towards Alyson overwhelmed him. It made sense keep their relationship in a safe zone and take their time, but Jamie had never been one to go slow when he knew what he wanted. He adored her, and she trusted him. She trusted him. Even after all of the people in her life that had hurt her, she trusted him. He never intended to break that trust, but he had. He had shattered it like a mirror.
