Three a.m.

Avoiding dark thoughts was hard to do during the day, but at three a.m. Alyson realized it was impossible. She sat in her bed, a cup of tea in her hands, and the covers bunched up into a wad at her feet. This was her third cup, and like the first two, it was doing nothing to soothe her taught emotions and tense muscles. Alyson put one hand on Bambi and sighed deeply. 

“What am I doing?” Alyson shook her head. “What am I even doing? I’m hiding on the other side of the world pretending to be some amazing philanthropist, like, ugh! Why? I make myself sick. How did I even end up like this? Why… Ugh.”

She took a sip of the scalding beverage and winced. Her tongue was already burned from the previous cup that she had tried to drink too quickly. Things were spiraling, and she rubbed her stomach over and over, breathing in and out as deeply as she could in an attempt to stay afloat. The black cloud of thoughts pulled her lower and lower into their murky depths until she was biting the skin on the back of her hand to keep from screaming. 

“No. No, Aly. No. No. Stop. You’re fine. You’re fine. It’s okay. Stop. It’s okay.” Alyson’s cheeks were wet with tears as she stumbled from her bedroom to the bathroom. She looked at her face in the mirror and bit her bottom lip. The teeth marks on her hand were highlighted with red. “Aly, you have to stop. You have to be okay. You have to. It’s going to be okay… It’s… ”

The self-soothing didn’t change the twisting in the pit of her stomach, and Alyson had to try a new tactic. She snatched up the charcoal pencil off of the kitchen table and ripped a page out of the sketch book. She tossed them onto the floor and sunk down onto her knees. Blinding tears fell onto the paper, but Alyson didn’t stop. Her lines were sloppy and it looked nothing like the image that Alyson had in her mind, yet it somehow made her feel better that it was turning out so horribly. 

“I hate this feeling! I hate it! I hate feeling so dark and alone!” Her words came threw clenched teeth. “It’s my own fault I hate myself! It’s my own fault! I did it! I ruined my life!”

Sobs halted the heated drawing, leaving Alyson’s shoulders shaking and pencil rolling across the floor and under the stove. After the frustration abated, Alyson crawled over to see if she could retrieve her pencil. It wasn’t in sight or within reach, so Alyson went to get a new pencil from the box that sat on the coffee table in the living room. When she returned to the kitchen, she studied her drawing and was surprised at what she saw.

“I guess I can draw something,” she muttered under her breath. 

There was the curve of a face, the halting lines of angry lips and tightly closed eyelids. It was definitely a rough sketch, but there it was, the picture of herself that she was carrying around inside of her. It was like an anchor pulling her to the depths of a bottomless sea of black. Black and heavy. Black and heavy and…

Alyson lay down on the floor next to her drawing and swallowed a few tears as she promised that she was done crying and ready to pull herself together. The cool tiles touched her cheek, and she sighed. She placed a smudged hand over the drawing, her fingers trembling as she lightly traced the outline of the face and followed the path of the black tears. Seeing it there on the paper, in the light, in the open, the ugly perception of herself that she carried internally was freeing. 

love and hate.

“You jerk.” Alyson muttered as she stroked his face gently. She missed him so deeply sometimes she was afraid she would go insane if she didn’t hear his voice. “You miserable, horrible man. I miss you.”

Simple Exchange of Words

It had been a simple exchange of words as Tommy mentioned the hotel behind them. She took his hand and led him across the street. Once in the room, Tommy drew the curtains shut while she sat down on the edge of the bed, her shoes off and bare toes pushing against the thin carpet. Alyson bit her lip and cringed at the sound of the metal rings scraping across the rod that held them up. She didn’t like curtains.

“You want the light on?” Tommy asked. He watched Alyson shake her head no.

And so the room had remained dark.

A talk with her father.

“Dad.” The name came out as a hoarse whisper. Alyson stood to her feet and went to kneel by her dad’s feet. She rested her chin on his knee and gazed up at him. “I wish I did more to make you proud.”

“Aly, you did everything! I am so proud!” He reached down and cradled her face in his big hands. “I talk about how wonderful you are to anyone who will listen, that’s how proud I am of you.”

There were no words left to say as Alyson tried her best to hold herself together. She was hiding behind the guise of a promotion to sneak away from everyone who knew and loved her, while they were left to think that she had been given the world. 

“I love you, dad,” she managed to choke out.

“I love you, Alyson. My precious daughter. No matter what you do, or what you don’t do, I will always love you.”

Alyson bit her lip as she heard the words. She knew he was proud of her, of that she was sure, but she couldn’t believe his promise of unconditional love. She had seen his face red with rage a hundred times as he shouted down at her for acting in an unacceptable fashion. Days of silent treatment would follow each time where Alyson would be forced to act like a stranger in her own house. 

Jamie and The Wall [Extended Edition]

Jamie nodded. “I need to have a bit of time to think on my own.” He started for the exit of the bus. “I’ll see you at sound check.”

As soon as Jamie was a safe distance away from everyone, he let go of the tears he had been holding back. The first tears were angry, burning his eyes as they squeezed out and rolled down his cheeks. Still, they did nothing to relieve the intensity of what he was feeling on the inside. The pressure in his chest was like a volcano, building and bubbling until it threatened to crack him open from the inside out. A yell of outrage tore past the pain and out into the open as he ran as fast as he could to as far away as he could get. He reached forward with his stride in desperation, making them as long as he could as his lungs began to burn. 

It wasn’t long before the tall, solid walls of the enclosed parking lot loomed in front of him, and his chase for freedom came to a stop. He slammed his body against the wall as he let out another cry. Right then the wall was not a source of protection, but a prison keeping him from escaping his past. He wanted to punch the wall, but knew better, so he smacked his open palm against it. He hit it hard, and his hand tingled painfully. The skin turned red and splotchy before his eyes, and his chest heaved to accommodate the rise and fall of his lungs as they begged for more air. He could hear himself as he struggled to catch his breath, blood rushing through his veins. The throbbing in his hand was still strong when another burst of anger hit him. He turned against the wall once more, crying out as he beat his hand against the unmoving barrier. There was a slap for Garret, another for Eddie, and one last one for Tommy. 

His vision blurred as he leaned his forehead against the gritty surface of the wall, tears and sweat mixing. They ran down his face and neck and into the collar of his shirt. He felt the anger slowly shift and fade into the most horrible feeling of hopelessness he had ever experienced. His legs slowly lost their strength and took him to the ground, his fingers clawing at the wall as he fell. The asphalt caught him on his hands and knees as he slumped down, fresh tears welling up in his eyes. The drops tumbled down his lashes and onto the dusty parking lot as he stared at the ground. 

“I ruined everything. I totally ruined it all.” The whisper was hoarse as he pushed his confession past the lump in his throat. 

He turned to lean back against the wall. His trembling hands slowly moved to cover his face as giant sobs from the pit of his stomach welled up and shook his entire body. There was the anger, the regret, the loss, the loneliness, the hurt, the confusion… 

He could still hear the breathless way Alyson had told him over the phone that she had finally decided that she wanted to see him again. He could still feel the tight grip of her arms as she wrapped them around his neck when they were reunited at the airport. Her smile had been so big when she ran towards him and threw herself into his strong arms. 

That night she had grabbed onto his arm as they passed through a crowd of people. He turned to make sure she was okay, and she met his gaze with a shy smile pulling at her lips. He pulled her closer, keeping the distance between them small, as the look in her eyes told the room that she knew he wanted her beside him. And she was right; he did want her beside him. She was no longer a cute rebound girl who had caught his attention on the dance floor; she was the one who caught his secret whispers with her gentle touch and stood steady and fearless in the midst of the chaos that whirled around him. He had never felt so safe or understood by someone like he did with Alyson Abidi. 

He caught her gazing up at him with eyes that spoke volumes on how much she trusted him. He looked away every time with a lump in his throat. What he felt towards Alyson overwhelmed him. It made sense keep their relationship in a safe zone and take their time, but Jamie had never been one to go slow when he knew what he wanted. He adored her, and she trusted him. She trusted him. Even after all of the people in her life that had hurt her, she trusted him. He never intended to break that trust, but he had. He had shattered it like a mirror. 

The night they met

After Jamie spoke, he and Alyson found themselves standing alone in the middle of the room, their hands still joined together. Alyson had never felt so shy before in her life. It took all of her strength to simply look up at the young man when he started talking to her.

“I guess we never officially met.” Jamie’s voice was suddenly very low and gentle. The sound made Alyson’s stomach flip-flop inside of her. He turned to look into the girl’s face with a big smile that was coupled with a somewhat shy expression. It was strange to see the twenty-six year old celebrity appear bashful. “I’m Jamie. It’s very nice to meet you.”

Talking to Bambi

“You okay?” he asked.

“I never had anyone else put their hands on the baby before,” said Alyson. “It’s a beautiful feeling.”

Introducing Tommy...

“Alyson.” Tommy spoke her name gently. She stopped where she stood, but didn’t turn around. “Alyson, it’s okay.”

The words sent shockwaves through Alyson’s mind. She began to shake her head and laugh hopelessly through her tears. Finally she turned around to look at Tommy in the eye. His eyes looked so blue in the light of the street lamp. She flung her arms wide as she challenged him.

“How am I ever going to be okay again? You don’t know my life, and what this means for me… what this means for my future!” Tears poured down hot and fast. “I’m going to fly back home in the morning … I’m going to have to look people in the eye and pretend that I did nothing while I carry this huge mountain of regret for the rest of my life. Alone. I’m going to have to deal with this all on my own.”

“Shh.” Tommy walked up to her. “I’m here right now. Let me help you.”

Alyson didn’t know how he thought he could help, but she didn’t have any more words left to argue against him, so she let him keep her close. 

After an apology...

Alyson closed her eyes again, but this time she rested her forehead against Jamie's. Her hand reached up and found his face, memorizing the curve of his chin and the strength of his jaw with her finger tips. She felt his mouth turn up into a smile and he kissed her hand as it brushed against his lips. Words stopped and they simply were together. 

A story to share...

With watery eyes, Alyson blinked until she could see again as she pulled back out onto the highway. She dropped her phone into her lap and kept her foot pressed on the gas pedal. There were less cars the further she drove, and the distance between them was longer. Alyson’s eyes burned, but the adrenaline rushing through her kept her them open.

-From an unfinished work by Baylea Ann Osborn (7/29/2015)