What if I don't get married until I'm 50?

What if I don’t get married until I’m 50?

That’s the thought that came to me the other day, and the fact that I didn’t immediately fall to the ground screaming means that I’ve come far in the last seven years since thinking I was going to get married at age 21. Maybe it is the lack of young men in my life, or maybe it is because I’m nearly 30 and that’s past the halfway point to 50 so the hardest part of the waiting is behind me. You may be thinking that that is not true since for part of that time I was a child who didn’t care about a husband, but that is false. I cared a great deal about having a husband when I was young. All I ever played when I was little was house and I always had a husband and I always had babies. That’s why thinking about not having that for the next 22 years is a big thing, because I really let myself think about it.

What if I don’t get married until I’m 50?

I could travel to places and meet people and have experiences beyond compare! I could wake up and see the sun rise a thousand times over a thousand different places! I could taste foods and climb mountains and watch for shooting stars and sleep in people’s homes and sit around their tables. I could write all through the night and sleep all day if I wanted. I could sleep in and stay in my pajamas and leave my laundry until the last minute. I could have dance parties at midnight and fill all the shelves with my journals and hold onto things longer than I need to because all the space is my own and it doesn’t really matter. I could go on any trip, or even move to another country if I wanted to. I could stay out as late as I wanted, put off chores and forget the menial tasks so easily. Every penny that I earned could go to whatever I decided was best, no questions asked. I wouldn’t have to share the scary secrets, the ones that no one knows. I wouldn’t have to worry about looking dorky or dumb, or waking up with drool all over my face, or worrying that he thinks I’m beginning to look old or worn-out or ugly. I won’t have that nagging fear that I’m disappointing him with my shortcomings or hindering him with my sickness. I wouldn’t have to share my favorite snacks, or control of the radio, or what movie to watch. I could run wild and free and live a beautiful life of loving others. I could.

But, what if I don’t get married until I’m 50?

And I wake up one day and I look in the mirror and I ache from the waiting? When my body tells me I won’t be able to carry my own children and when I do meet Future Mr. Baylea, I won’t have the health and strength of my youth to give him? Because some nights I will wake up cold, alone and maybe scared and all I’ll be able to do is wrap my blankets around myself a little tighter and pretend that it’s enough. And some days I’ll be so tired and discouraged and overwhelmed that all I’ll want is someone to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay. I won’t have him there to whisper secrets with after we turn out the lights. I won’t have him there like a steady guiding light to remind me where home is, who I am, what I love the most. I won’t have him to love my family, tease my brothers, have conversations with my parents and sit beside me on the couch. When my friends all get married and have babies, I’ll be so happy for them, because their happiness is my happiness, but sometimes I’ll go home and weep into my pillow because I want a family more than anything. All the weddings where I’ll say there is no +1 and stand awkwardly on the edge of the dance floor when it’s time for the slow dances. All the times I just want someone to pursue me and know me. All the birthdays where I’m surrounded by loved ones, but the faces are different every year, and there’s no one to tell me that they’ll be there with me until I run out of birthdays.

And right now I have many children in my life, but none of them are mine. I always have to give them back. And yes, I should enjoy the freedom that brings me, but when you’ve been waiting to be a mom since you were 3 years old and your baby sister was born, 25 years seems long enough. I love the children that I get to take care of. I do! With all my heart I love them! I hold them, kiss their faces, cook them food, change their diapers, have conversations with them, laugh with them, remind them what is wrong and what is right, teach them, carry them, snuggle them, learn about them, listen to them, play with them, take care of them if they get hurt and tell them I believe in them when they tell me about their dreams. Sometimes I find myself in a perfect moment and I wish I could stop time because they bring so much joy to my heart, and then I think to myself, “Is this what life will feel like sometimes when I have my own kids?” But what if I don’t get married until I’m 50 and my whole life is loving kids and then giving them back?

So, what if I don’t get married until I’m 50?

What if I pass through 5 whole decades of life on my own? But wait… I’m not on my own. I have friendships where I am able to have deep, meaningful conversations about things that I love, issues that trouble me, my dreams and where I hope to be in 10 years. If I’m confused or frustrated, I have people in my life to turn to. If I’m hurting or overwhelmed, they’re there. When life calls for celebration, there are friends and family right beside me to join in. I’ve made connections with people who have shaped me and changed me into a better person. Yes, there are times that are very lonely, but those times come whether you’re married or not. Of course I wish I had a husband to share life with, but I am by no means on my own. My life has always been full of beautiful people who love me and I know that won’t change.

What if I don’t get married until I’m 50?

What if the next 20 years look just like the past 5? I mean, the thought doesn’t terrify me as much as the thought of not being married by 30 terrified me when I was 24. So, that’s progress. Life could be full and satisfying and beautiful, even as a single woman. I have dreams and goals, I have family and friends to love, I have places to see and discover. I have kids to love, even if I don’t get to keep them. Right now my life is full of good things, and it will continue to be full of good things whether married or single. There will be bad days and hard days and lonely days, and there will be magical days and wonderful days and happy days. That’s just life. Life.

So what if I don’t get married until I’m 50?

Life will go on. I’ll still be me. I will love and I will be loved. I will learn and I will share. Maybe I won’t have to wait until I’m 50, and I’ll get married in 1, 5, or 10 years. Who knows. All I know is that I want to make each day count, and live life well, and maybe I won’t get married until I’m 50…